April 15, 2011

Nobody fucks with the Jesus


Daily Colbert lopo

08/02'10 Stephen might be gay

08/03'10 "This writing is terrible." (Laura Ingraham, Joe Bidens favorite in TV punditry)
comments)
"Brilliant irony. Another great demolition job."
"Colbert is remarkable. His stiletto was so sharp, I do believe she never felt a thing.
Only when Ingraham saw her own blood pouring out she realized what was happening, but by then it was too late. Death came quickly, and it was a blessing for all."
"In addition to my amazement that he finally got a true wingnut to come on his show, I always am amazed that they agree to play along. I'm always half expecting one of his guests to turn to him and say, 'Oh cut the crap, Stephen. We know you're not a real conservative, but are just playing one to make fun of us.' You'd have to be an awfully bad sport to say something like that, but I've never seen a wingnut come off well on his show.
He's got a little Sacha Baron Cohen in him, the way he draws his guests into his ridiculous little world."
"Wow. I've never seen Colbert go for anyone's jugular like that! Of course, Ingraham deserved it."

08/04'10 TV priest Colbert: "Oh it's true, because I just said it. That's called leadership what I just did."


08/16'10 "And by 'God' we mean this guy!" (Jesus) "Not this guy." (photo not available)
"What about our 'guts-titution?' Or the 'Bill of Frights?'"
07/19'10 James R. Clapper:

"There's only one entity in the entire universe that has visibility on all (programs) – that's God."

07/19'10 CNN:

"The intelligence community is apparently larger, much larger. 1,271 government organizations comprise our intelligence community and 1,931 private companies are tied to it.
There are 854.000 people with top-secret security clearance."

12/27'10 The Nation:

"Secret America, Priest and Arkin wrote, has become 'so large, so unwieldy and so secretive' that it is not only unaccountable, it is practicably unknowable – even to the officials charged with administering it. The series elicited much praise from fellow journalists, but from the government there was – nothing. The Post's report generated not one Congressional hearing, subpoena or reform.
As far as we know, Secret America continues its work unchecked and unchastened."

And the notorious, absolutely ruthless, icecold Mr. Clarke: "Starting in 1985, Clarke served in the Reagan Administration as Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Intelligence. During the Presidential administration of George H.W. Bush, as the Assistant Secretary of State for Political-Military Affairs, he coordinated diplomatic efforts to support the 1990-1991 Gulf War and the subsequent security arrangements. During the Clinton Administration, Clarke became the counter-terrorism coordinator for the National Security Council. [...]
He remained counter-terrorism coordinator during the first year of the George W. Bush Administration,
and later was the Special Advisor to the President on cybersecurity and cyberterrorism." (Wikipedia)


08/17'10 Newsweek ranks The World's Best Countries – Fox News TV Show Star Sean Hannity:
"America is the single greatest nation that God ever gave man on this earth."
"We say it's the greatest country God gave men ... We live in the single greatest, best country God gave men"
"The single greatest, best, freest country God ever gave men."

08/19'10 "This is how you do it, even when you haven't done it."
Jon Krakauer explains how the Bush administration turned Pat Tillman's death into a propaganda tool.


08/24'10 Jeffrey Goldberg:

"When you have a theocracy, when you have a religious leadership, that they're seeking the afterlife, they think that the afterlife is gonna be better than this life ..."

Papist Colbert: "The wrong religious leadership seeking the wrong afterlife."


08/25'10 John McCain's Victorious Defeat & Heidi Cullen with their 1:4 global warming pyramid scheme

08/26'10 "Nobody fucks with the Jesus."


10/06'10 Rawsome Foods in Venice, CA, under attack by its government corporation: "The federal government says, your unpasteurized milk is a crime. [...] Could it be a government conspiracy? [...] Individuals are always stupid. [...] That puts the dumb in free-dumb."

10/14'10 Horny goats doing the landscaping job: "When unemployment gets very high, people look for scapegoats. They want to blame, or place major blame, on immigrants ..."
"This is for people who think the controversy about undocumented immigrants is all about economics.
The truth is, it's about scapegoating. Or landscape-goating ..."
"If they renege on their employment contract, they can be eaten after they're fired!"
"Owning goats made this segment a hundred times funnier for me, and as I'm sure it was hilarious to everyone else when I say that I mean I was literally rolling around on the floor, especially after Gino's John Goat comment.
If that dude loses his landscaping job he can always go into comedy."


11/02'10 "Welcome to where rumor undergoes a fact-change operation and becomes analysis."


12/09'10 "Before you accuse the sharks of any wrongdoing in these shark attacks, I think it's only fair to ask:
Could it be the Jews?"

comments)
"The 'Could it be the Jews?' line freaking cracked me up!" "Yeah, and he seemed genuinely excited by the idea of Shakespeare character superheroes hunting down their creator, and when he said 'I got your lead right here,' I was like, perfect! That really would be the greatest part for Stephen ever ... :-)"
"The whole shark thing was brilliant: 'Israel working with sharks? It just makes too much sense!'
The Steven Spielberg and Jaws/Jews jokes were perfect.
Seeing Daniel Ellsberg was great, as I'm always interested in people who help uncover conspiracies (goes back to when I watched 'All The President's Men' with my dad and he taught me about 'Watergate').
It was really interesting to hear someone who's been in a similar situation to Assange speak about it.
He seemed a really good sport, playing with the noose."

12/13'10 The Wall Street record pay of $ 144 billion in bonuses
Elizabeth Warren: "This just staggers me. I mean, I just don't have words to describe what this means."
"Fertility rights should be sold so that poor people could profit from their decision to not reproduce." Ted Turner


01/06'11 Papist Bear Bill O'Reilly's Catholic God als Herr der Gezeiten

01/12'11 Life, liberty and the pursuit of angriness
"I'm gonna let that one sink in. Scholars are gonna purge that thing for centuries."
Bernard-Henri Levy"Sarah Palin is the inescapable black hole of political rhetoric."

01/13'11 "Now folks, I may be devout Catholic, but I am also a devout corporate whore."
"Why can't Jesus be a Dorito? After all, he did snackrifice himself for our sins!"
"Last night I was moved by Hitler. [...] Turns out Hitler is much more sensitive than I gave him credit for."

01/18'11 An instant classic:

Mika, you need to buck up. I know you think this story has no purpose other than keeping Sarah Palin's name in the headlines for another news cycle. I know you think she has nothing to offer to the national dialogue and that her speeches are just coded talking points mixed with words picked up at random from a thesaurus. I know you think Sarah Palin is at best a self-promoting ignoramus and at worst a shameless media troll who will abuse any platform to deliver dog-whistle encouragement to a far right base that may include possible insurrectionists. I know you think her reality show was pathetically unstatesmanlike, and at the same time I know you believe it also represents the pinnacle of her potential and that her transparent, transparent desperation to be a celebrity so completely eclipsed her interest in public service so long ago that there would be more journalistic integrity on reporting on one of the lesser Kardashian's ass implants. I know, I know that when you arrive at the office each day you say a silent prayer that maybe, just maybe Sarah Palin will at long last shut up for ten f@#king minutes. I know, because I can see it in your eyes.
Well guess what, Mika. That's the gig. And it's only January of 2011, kiddo.
And you have a minimum of two more years of this ahead of you.
You want to stay in this game? You dig deep. You find another gear. You show up to work every day, get your hair and makeup done, you slap on a smile, get out there on TV and repeat what Sarah Palin said on Hannity last night right into the lens. You know – news.


01/20'11 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's "Ask Not" inaugural address

01/25'11 An outbreak of civility ... to set the record straight:
"I wasn't saying those things, Mika's eyes were saying those things."
Amy Chua – Chinesischer Bildungsdrill (01/27'11)


02/03'11 Papist Bear Bill O'Reilly's next allmighty God argument "Take that gravity-huggers!"
Jane McGonigal: Reality is broken – Why games make us better and how they change the world
"You're a gamer, but you're also a girl. And a pretty one at that, with the big hair and everything.
If I turn off the switch, do you turn out to be a 15 year old boy in his underwear?" (no fact zone)

02/07'11 "It's like your lunch and two other people's lunches are having a three-way in your mouth." (no fact zone)


02/15'11 "Legally under age. Or, as they say in Italy, al dente."

"Clearly, the Muslim Brotherhood is going to seize power in Egypt and make it an enemy of America. Which is great news! We could go back to fighting a country instead of a shadowy network. I mean, Egypt has infrastructure – we could blow up a bridge again. A bridge! If we wanted to blow up a bridge in Afghanistan, we'd have to build it first!"


02/16'11 "51 percent! I am just so proud. I'm so proud to have been born in a country where unsubstantiated rumors about people you don't support become majority beliefs.
And you know what? I bed Obama wishes he was born here too."
The Colbuffington Re-Post: "Huffington Post" sold for $315 million dollars to AOL
"The Daily" offers "all of the convenience of using your i-pad to read the news online, but without the internet's annoying habit of being completely free.
And it is being praised by everybody in the media that is owned by Rupert Murdoch."

02/17'11 "If you were to click on the link to the Colbuffington Re-Post's re-re-post of the Huffington Post's post about the Re-Post, you will rip a hole in the blog time continuum."
Colbert to Jeffrey Leonard: "Sir, I am a river onto my people.
Gloves are off, motherfucker. Go on, let's hear your little theory."

02/21'11 "Folks, you know it's my job to keep you informed [...] And I told you, folks, this Egypt uprising would spread turmoil in the middle east. [...] But frankly, I thought freedom spreading throughout the Arab world would have a little more pizazz. I miss the emotional heights of Egypt. They had everything: huge crowds, pyramids, chance of a mummy attack. But since then ... Bahrain? Boring! Yemen? More like yawn-man. [...]
But folks, Libya is bringing the sexy back."
Eugene Jarecki on the "real" Ronald Reagan

02/22'11 Turmoil in the Middle West: "'Stewart/Colbert, we came to your rally. Now, come to ours!'
First of all, it's Stephen Colbert, I don't know who Stewart Colbert is. Get it right!"

02/24'11 "Anonymous attacks whoever attacks Wikileaks. [...] They ruined both his lives." Glenn Greenwald

02/28'11 Jesuit-trained CIA top agent and CBS media officer Michael Scheuer

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