April 30, 2011

Daily Stewart 2011


Daily Stewart lopo

03/07'11 Del Monte single-serve bananas are for people who love bananas but hate their biodegradability.
03/21'11 "Japan is just disintegrating into the sea whilst simultaneously poisoning it. Knut, the polar bear – dead."


Where is the hard-hitting investigative journalism?


03/17'09 "Jon Stewart is doing what the 'real' news media should be doing: he is investigating and attempting to hold people accountable for what they say and do. Whereas, the 'real' news media is pussyfooting around and 'reporting' whatever they are being spoon-fed from others.
What I have a problem with is that Jon Stewart has to be the one to investigate people like Cramer.
Where is the New York Times? Where is the hard-hitting investigative journalism?
Jon Stewart does not need to adjust how his message is conveyed. He is exemplifying the art of satire." (Sarah)

03/22'11 Donald Trump for President 2012: "You're fired, America!"
03/22'11 "See, I do feel like one of the problems we're having with you, Mr. President, is a communications gap. Here in America, we've become accustomed to what's known as 'the run-up to war'.
The certain amount of time where the President and his emissaries make a case for military action or whatever euphemism they've come up with: freedom-seeding, democracy-showering ... And then the President's adversaries make their case for why military intervention's a terrible idea, usually in direct opposition to whatever arguments they were making when their party had the Presidency, and they got to invade stuff.
Then we the people have a couple of marches, ribbon colors are chosen, and then about 6 or 9 months later, you get to blow the shit out of whatever it was you wanted to blow the shit out of."

03/24'11 Family Matters: "Son of a bitch! What kind of parent company are you?!"


03/28'11 A mightily pissed off Jon: I give up!

I stand corrected. That is a corporate tax rate of, hold on, $3.2 billion ... negative 60%!
You know, the latest data we have from 2005 says that about two-thirds of United States controlled corporations paid no corporate income tax on a combined profit of, let's say, a googa-trillion.
But wait. We've been told the only reason corporations aren't creating more jobs here is the punitive corporate tax rate, fueled by our workers' demands for a "Western" standard of living. But apparently, even with their negative 60% tax rate, General Electrics has cut a fifth of its American jobs in the last nine years, while boosting jobs overseas. You know, I know the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people but what I didn't realize is that those people are assholes. Fortunately, our top man is on the case.

Barry Soetoro on 05/04'09: "We will stop letting American companies that create job overseas take deductions on their expenses when they do not pay any American taxes on their profits."

Jon) Hee-ah, hee-ah! The people have a champion! And he's gonna be hoping ass and taking change! GE CEO Jeff Immelt is about to find out why we elected this anti-business socialist Marxist Kenyan warrior!

Barry 01/21'11: "Jeff Immelt, he understands what it takes for America to compete in the global economy. [...] And I am so proud and pleased that Jeff has agreed to chair this panel, my counsel on jobs and competitiveness, 'cause we think GE has something to teach businesses all across America."

Jon) Yeah! You ripped Immelt a new ... wait, chairmanship? I ... give up!
What's GE going to teach businesses all across America, to bolster their tax department with former officials from the Treasury and the IRS and all relevant committees, and make it 975 people?
Who says they're not creating jobs?
Of course, GE still has some workers in America, like NBC Nightly News.
And the night this story broke, they were probably all over it like ... (listens to earpiece) Nothing? They didn't report at all that GE had ... no? Well, to be fair, Libya, Japanese radiation, there's an awful lot going on in the world, and I imagine their Friday night newscast was chock full of the type of urgent news that would preclude a more esoteric financial story.


03/29'11 "Initially we all thought we went in because the Libyans asked for our help by flipping on the hope signal."
George Bush I.) Freedom is like a beautiful kite that can go higher and higher with the breeze.
Define and conquer ("kinetic military action")

03/30'11 Try being a better person – Hodgman: "He's got to own those mistakes if he wants my support."


03/31'11

"See, I did not know that. See, to me, it seemed that Fox was a relentless agenda-driven 24-hour news-pinion propaganda delivery system, covered with the thinnest possible patina of objectivity that would allow them to claim a mantle of totally undeserved legitimacy. But I was wrong. And he told me that, and now I know ... [...]
I'm sure Bill Sammon, a captain of the hard, objective news operation at Fox isn't going to go on his own news channel and stoke the wild flames of partisan hysteria. [...] OK, first of all, complaining about socialism while wearing a tuxedo? [...] But Bill Sammon, how can you justify that type of mischief? [...] He's brilliant. But he's an opinion columnist, he doesn't have to be consistent. [...] Oh my God, my friend Bret Baier! This guy Bill Sammon is still his boss! Bret Baier has no idea he's actually been working for an opinion guy all along! There is no line!"

Stewart: "What would you blow up first?"
Norm Macdonald: "That stupid high school I went to."


04/04'11 "Whenever these monster corporations fail, their executives always seem to find a way to justify their giant bonuses. So what are Transocean's executives patting themselves on the back for this year? 'It calls 2010, quote, the best year in safety performance in the company's history. The company bases that apparently on what it describes as its exemplary statistical safety record as measured by our total recordable incident rate.'
You know that's just fucking crazy. That's just crazy. You gave yourselves a safety bonus because statistically the Deep Water Horizon explosion, killing 11 people, pumping 200 million gallons of oil into the Gulf Coast, counts the same as Bob cut his hand on a bolt: It's just one incident."

04/06'11 Vagistan, Shegypt, Libya Majora and the slut squad

04/07'11 Jon celebrating the departure of Glenn Beck

04/25'11 "It happens every day. See, President Giuliani figured if everything changed after 9/11, things will never change if it's all always 9/11. That's some Jedi stuff right there for you."

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